Tuesday, December 4, 2007
One More Day with Jennifer
I lost my sister 9 years ago during this time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What if I had just one more day to spend with her? I have so many regrets regarding our relationship--Let's just say it wasn't a perfect relationship. More importantly, I was not a perfect sister. I always felt that there was something more I could have done. I was the "big" sister. What I wonder is, why did I feel that I could fix everything for her? Who put that burden on me? Was it me? my parents? I don't think it was of God, and yet, I thought at the time that God wanted more of me. If I had a day to spend with her, I would ask her to free me of that burden--to assure me that her life was what God meant it to be. That He was in control--I wasn't. The choices that she made were between her and her God. She would tell me that now she is in perfect peace and whole in every way.
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That is the saddest post I have ever read in my life.
As the "big sister" I think she would want you to realize that she was happy, and that she accepted her lot in life. Whenever I hear you talk about her it is always about how wonderful she was, and how full of life she was. So what was there to "fix"? i think even despite burdens in our lives, and even when times are bad, people still ahve the ability to be happy, even despite the circumstances or day to day feelings.
You put the burden on yourself as the older sister. you so the same as a child and as the yougner sister, or so it seems. Generally speaking I don't think that others usually burden us, we burden ourselves with others. Why? I cannot answer that question, I think it is different for each person.
I don't think Jennifer could relieve you of that burden even if she said "you were free." I think that is up to you, and that that is between you and God.
All I know is that you all oved her very much, and coping with the loss of a family member, especially a younger one, is never easy. And even though it is a time to reflect, reflect on the good things and the good times, because I am sure as a good big sister you helped provide many of those for her too.
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